What Hurts The Most
by CrystalBrooke
Summary: AH. Edward sighed. "Maybe you're right. We should take a break...from each other...for a while..." He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't take back what he had just said. B&E.
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, I know, it's been a long time. But here's something new! Shout out to Eimear and Jen, who I miss, a lot :( this is your birthday story Eimear! ya, the one I promised aaages ago... lol**

**What Hurts The Most**

**Chapter One**

_With what a deep devotedness of woe,_

_I wept thy absence o'er and o'er again,_

_Thinking of thee, still thee, till thought grew pain_

_And memory, like a drop that, night and day,_

_Falls cold and ceaseless, wore my heart away!_

_-Thomas Moore_

"Bella. Bella. Are you listening to me? Bella!"

"What, Alice?" I sighed into the pillow. I was trying extremely hard to block out her voice, but I knew there wasn't any point. Alice was persistent, and all resistance was futile. I just didn't want to hear what she was telling me until I was ready to accept it.

"You need to get out of bed, Bella. You need to get up and leave the flat and _do_ things again. All this _moping_ isn't doing you any good. You look like shit."

"Thank you ever so much," I said sarcastically.

Did she seriously expect me to look like Hayden Panettiere when my heart was broken? I wasn't not Wonder Woman, or any other type of strong and brave hero. I knew I was a mess, but I didn't want to be fixed just yet. I just wanted to wallow in my own misery until it all hurt a little bit less.

"I _am_ trying to help, you know," Alice said heavily, and I heard the exasperation in her tone. She was sick of me. They were all sick of me.

Alice annoyed me every day with pep talks and shopping plans and things designed to cheer me up and get me motivated, all of which failed. Her boyfriend, Jasper, whenever he was around, spent some time with me talking in a relaxing and soothing voice, trying to convince me that I would be OK once I started living again. Rosalie gave out to me and told me to stop being such a baby. And Emmett just kept texting me random things, either trying to bug me to death or make me laugh, achieving both. Though as much as I liked Emmett, it was hard to see him or speak to him.

He reminded me too much of Edward.

Fourteen days. Fourteen days without him. It felt like fourteen years, and I couldn't see myself getting out of bed and taking off my pyjamas any time soon. It just hurt too much.

I didn't want to get up and go out and pretend I was OK and start living again. I just wanted to wallow. Wallow and wallow and wallow until all this pain went away.

"I know," I sighed, appreciating her efforts, despite the fact they weren't helping me. I stared at the wall blankly and waited. She'd leave soon, and then I could go back to reminiscing and fantasising and daydreaming and crying and watching romantic comedies and eating chocolate.

"I have to go to work," Alice said, checking her watch. "Something else you really need to think about doing too, Bella. You'll get fired if you take any more time off."

"OK," I said loudly, impatient now for her to go. Work was the last thing on my mind. I had gone in last week, after the break up, when I was still numb and disbelieving and trying to act like it didn't bother me. Ever since it really hit me, for the very first time, I had rarely left my bedroom. With no immediate plans to, either.

"I'll see you later, Bella," Alice said, frustration and worry colouring her tone, and then she left. I listened to her leave our apartment. I lived with her and Rosalie, both of which were in stable and happy relationships, and had jobs and lives and reasons to wake up smiling, and my life had just collapsed all around me. They didn't understand. They just wanted me to smile and be their clumsy and silly and fun best friend again, and fit perfectly back into their perfect lives.

Well, I wasn't in the mood right now for that.

I was too busy trying to breathe without Edward.

I didn't think I could. I wasn't even sure if I _could_ go back to the old Bella. At the moment I wasn't even sure if I could leave my bedroom or not.

Once I was left alone again, there was nothing but a deafening silence, the silence I had grown to hate. I got up and quickly put a DVD on, just so there could be noise. I wasn't sure why I felt so inclined to watch the romantic comedies, where it was all mushy and cute and the protagonists both got together in the end. I was just torturing myself. It didn't work like that in real life. Yet I was so addicted to watching others getting their fairytale ending, and eating lots of chocolate while doing it.

And so I slipped back into my now daily routine, my Surviving Without Edward routine.

Keep myself distracted - check. The DVDs took my mind off everything, even if only briefly. Not think about him - check. Well, maybe that was only half checked. OK, so it wasn't checked at all. I couldn't _not_ think about him. I still loved him, and I hadn't wanted us to end, but I couldn't go back and change the past, and so what I had to do was _stop_ thinking about him, and move on. But I couldn't.

I still couldn't believe it had been two weeks already. I didn't know where the time had gone. How had I even lived, _breathed_, through a second of it?

Two weeks since the break up, and my heart was still broken.

Of course it was. Edward was the love of my life, my soul mate. Soul mates don't just break up. They stay together forever, until they're old and wrinkly and grey and walk at a leisurely pace. That should have been Edward and I. We were made for each other, and we both knew it. I was so stupid to have let something so ridiculous and idiotic ruin what we had.

But we couldn't stay together, not when he didn't trust me.

Jacob worked in the same building as me. I sold advertising space in the local Forks newspaper. Jacob worked on the floor below mine, and he wrote the sports news. I didn't know him at all until he accidentally spilt coffee all over me one morning in the canteen, and apologised profusely for days afterwards. We just continued talking, and eventually became great buddies.

Edward took against him immediately, when I introduced them both after bumping into each other in the pub one night.

"I don't like the way he looks at you," he told me, his brow furrowed. "I don't trust him."

"I'm sure you're imagining things," I said, rolling my eyes at my overprotective boyfriend.

"I'm not," he insisted. "He stares at you like he owns you, and he was always finding little excuses to touch your arm… you may not have noticed it, but I did."

I shook my head at him. "We're just friends, Edward."

"Does he know that?"

I rolled my eyes again, and ignored him until he apologised.

But it just got worse.

Edward and I began fighting almost every day. He just kept questioning me about Jacob, and I was getting sick of repeating myself over and over.

"Even if he did have feelings for me, it doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it!" I yelled one evening, pushed over my limit. "Why don't you trust me when I say that?"

"I do trust you!" Edward said loudly. "It's him I don't trust!"

"Take it up with him, then!" I shrieked. "I'm tired of having this same fight with you, Edward. I love _you_, not Jacob. I don't know why you don't just believe me when I say that, and let it go!"

He never let it go. We continued to fight, until eventually, we snapped.

"Edward, please just stop," I begged, after being subjected to another rant of what Edward believed Jacob was up to. "I don't want to _do_ this anymore."

I just meant the fighting.

But Edward sighed.

"Maybe you're right. We should take a break… from each other… for a while…" he trailed off at the look on my face.

"What?" I asked shakily, not sure if I had heard him correctly.

"It's probably for the best," Edward said, more to himself than to me, glaring at the wall. I stared at him for the longest time, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't take back what he had just said.

The room span around me, and I struggled with myself not to collapse.

"OK," I managed to say, and even to myself, I sounded empty, like I wasn't even there anymore.

Edward turned his head but I was already leaving his apartment. I didn't want him to see my face. I didn't want him to know how much this was hurting me. I also didn't want to look into his beautiful green eyes and realise just how much I had lost.

I was angry, for about an hour. How had I let this happen? How could I let a stupid insecurity of his get so bad that it eventually tore us apart?

How did we get here? When did everything start falling apart? How did I not see this coming? I could have stopped this from happening.

But why didn't Edward trust me? Believe me? Love me enough to want to work this out with me?

I couldn't be apart from him, I couldn't. At what point had I lost him?

I ignored the questions at first, but they were stuck in my head, swirling around, torturing me. Everything hit me so hard one night, and so began the week of crying and moping, depression and despair, lying in bed eating chocolates and watching romantic comedies, torturing myself with the notion that the couples who were meant to be always stayed together in the end.

I thought Edward had been my forever, and I couldn't believe how I had let it all slip through my fingers.

My heart jumped violently, as my cell phone began to vibrate on the bedside table. I frowned, reaching for it. I wished I could just turn it off altogether, or at least put it on silent, but a pathetic little part of me was stopping me. I was still holding on to the hope that Edward might call or text, and say this was all a big mistake. That hadn't happened yet. It had been two weeks, and I hadn't heard a word from him.

And it hurt.

I recognised the number flashing up on screen; it was Jacob. I winced. Despite being good friends with Jacob, I just couldn't bring myself to confide in him about this. I knew I was worrying him. I hadn't spoken to him since the break up. I really wanted to blame him for it, shout and scream and tell him to stay away from me for life, because he was the reason Edward didn't love me anymore… but it wasn't his fault. He did nothing.

It was all down to me. Edward was insecure, but I accused him of not trusting me. This was my fault. Instead of doing everything I could to prove to Edward there was nothing for him to fear by my being friends with Jacob, I ignored the fissure. And it just got bigger and bigger, until the crack between us was too big to ignore anymore.

I didn't answer the phone. I couldn't hear Jake's cheerful tones and pretend to him that everything was fine, when nothing was. I just needed some time, and then I might be able to face him.

The phone stopped vibrating after a while, and then I just listened to the silence. I realised the DVD had stopped playing, and the silence was deafening, suffocating. I just lay there in a miserable stupor, refusing to think of anything, suspended in depression.

I don't know how long I stayed there like that, but the sound of the front door slamming snapped me out of it. As I heard Emmett's booming voice and Rosalie's tinkling laugh, my heart sank. I knew they were going to come in, and be frank and honest and say stuff I didn't want to hear, just like they always did.

"Bella!" Emmett exploded into my room, as tall and as muscly as ever, Rosalie close behind him, looking effortlessly stunning, as always. Emmett threw himself on my bed, much to my irritation, while Rosalie eyed the chocolate wrappers and opened DVD boxes with disapproval.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I muttered grumpily.

"So, Bells, are you still moping?" Emmett asked, ignoring my disgruntled expression.

"I am not moping." Emmett made a sound of disagreement, and I sighed at him. "I'm just sad, is all."

I had to look away from him, because he looked too much like his brother. He had the same handsome features, only he had dimples whereas Edward didn't, and he left his hair wild and curly, while Edward gelled it into careful disarray. I used to love the concentration on his face when he focussed on getting it exactly right, frowning into the mirror with a tub of gel in one hand. That memory stung, and I had to stop thinking about it immediately.

I really wanted to ask about Edward, find out if he was as miserable as I was, but I really didn't want to hear the answer, whichever one it was. It would just hurt, and I was sick of hurting.

"It looks like moping to me," Emmett continued, breaking me out of my troublesome thoughts.

I sighed heavily.

"This is getting ridiculous now, Bella," Rosalie began, and from her tone I knew she was about to embark on one of her rants. "We're taking you out clubbing tonight -"

"My idea of hell," I interrupted, horror-struck at the thought.

"- because enough is enough!" Rosalie continued, ignoring me. "You need to start living again. Relationships end, people move on. Fact."

Her blunt words were stabbing me like little knives on my skin. I didn't want to move on. But I knew she was right. I wondered was Edward clubbing, moving on? I decided not to think about that, either.

"Dust off all those whorey clothes for tonight, so," Emmett joked.

"Oh, go away," I mumbled.

"Make me."

"I will."

"Go on and try."

"Just watch me."

"I'm waiting."

"I'm gearing up for it."

"C'mon then Bella, I'm growing a beard here."

I smiled. Damn Emmett, and his ability for cheering me up, even when I was desperate to be miserable.

Rosalie sniffed, reminding us she was there, looking annoyed at our childishness.

"Right," she said. "So, Bella, are you getting up?"

"No."

"Bella," she said threateningly.

"Rose," I whined, "I don't _want_ to get up or do anything. I _really_ don't feel like it."

Rosalie sat on the edge of my bed, sighing. I eyed her suspiciously, feeling trapped by her on one side and Emmett on the other.

"Bells," she began gently, "we _know_ you're hurting. We get it. It hurts, it sucks… but you need to distract yourself, because lying here thinking about it makes it worse. It's like picking at a wound - it won't heal if you keep doing it. So _please_ get out of bed? Shower. Alice and I will make you gorgeous. And then come out clubbing with us, and dance and drink and have fun. You remember fun? Having a laugh? Enjoying yourself?"

I just gazed at her despondently.

She gazed back, her expression a mixture of concern and frustration, almost mirroring Alice's this morning. I looked away from her, because it made me feel guilty, and my eyes landed on Emmett. He looked hopeful, earnest, waiting on my response. Emmett was always up for anything. He never turned down an excuse to have fun. Or drink.

I remembered when I used to be like that.

Now I was just… boring. Depressed. Useless. My friends were despairing of me. I felt guilty, and wanted them to stop worrying about me, but the lure of wallowing in the comfort of my bed was too strong.

But I knew that I couldn't do it forever.

I took a deep breath.

"OK," I agreed. "But I'm not promising much."

"Yes!" Emmett exclaimed, raising his hand for a high five, which I gave him reluctantly. Rosalie smiled encouragingly at me, looking relieved.

Emmett rolled off the bed enthusiastically. "Right," he boomed. "Rose, you pick the dress. I'll pick the underwear in case she gets lucky tonight!"

"Emmett!" Rosalie scolded. "Remember that conversation we had about tact and when to use it?"

"It's OK," I said, shrugging it off, climbing out of bed. "I'm going for a shower. Emmett, stay out of my underwear drawer."

I left the room, unable to help hearing Rosalie hissing at her boyfriend.

"You're such a spastic sometimes! The reason she's been moping is because her and Edward broke up! The last thing she wants to do is get with anyone else, you dumbass, at least not this soon anyway!"

"Chill, Rose, it was just a joke!" Emmett defended himself.

"It wasn't funny! We're going to help Bella through this if it's the last thing we do, because your equally as stupid brother hurt her, and I -"

I blocked out the rest of their conversation abruptly, not wanting to hear anymore. I didn't need help to get through this. I could do it on my own. Like Rosalie said, people broke up all the time. My heart would heal eventually.

As I stood under the hot jet of water five minutes later, I wondered dully if I didn't have my friends around me forcing me to do things, how long it would have taken for me to get out of bed and stop wallowing over Edward.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey hey, thanks for reviewing ppl! :D here we go with chapter two ;). PS: EEEEEEEEEEEEIMEAR!! :D:D:D:D. Jen you better be reviewing ahem ahem :P**

**Chapter Two**

_Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,_

_Which I find myself constantly walking around in daytime,_

_And falling into at night. I miss you like hell._

_-Edna St. Vincent Millay_

I gazed despondently at my reflection.

Alice had indeed worked her magic, and I looked far more glamorous and pretty than I usually did, but to me, I still looked like shit.

A vast amount of makeup hid the bags under my eyes, but I knew they were still there.

And there was nothing in the world I could do to hide the pain in my eyes from anyone.

I left my bedroom, walking a little unsteadily in my heels. I hadn't worn them for ages, partly because I was a danger to society in them. When I fell, I usually brought many people down with me, and that was in flat shoes.

"Are you ready yet?" I demanded of the living room, impatiently. I was just desperate to have the night over and done with, so I could go back to my bed. I was hoping everyone would think my impatience was due to excitement, but I wasn't very hopeful that they would be fooled.

"Me and the Jazz Man have been ready for hours," Emmett said in a long-suffering voice, rolling his eyes. "It's you women and your preening that has been keeping us waiting."

Jasper nodded his head in agreement, tossing his flop of blonde hair out of his eyes and grinning at me.

I sighed, and headed in the direction of the couch, tripping and tottering in the ridiculous heels. I flung myself down next to Jasper, grumbling to myself.

"I won't be able to walk in these," I said, more to myself than anyone.

"You know, I don't see the point in high heels," Emmett announced. "Women buy high shoes to show each other. Men really don't give a shite what you're wearing on your feet - Rosalie could walk around barefoot for a month and I wouldn't notice."

I smiled. "You can't deny they're pretty though," I said, pointing at the cute blue peep toes.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "I can't deny it'll be pretty hilarious watching you falling over all night in them."

I grimaced, knowing he was probably right.

Alice danced into the room then, wearing a white puff dress and hot pink shoes, looking totally amazing. It was depressing sometimes, being roommates with two girls who were devastatingly beautiful. I was always just the plain one.

"I'm ready," she sang.

"Finally," Jasper said, jumping up and putting his arm around her. "You look incredible - as always." Alice beamed at him, and I had to look away. It had just occurred to me that I was going out with two couples for the night. And Edward should be _here_, because he should be with _me_, and he should be telling me I look great and ridding me of my insecurities, and we should all be going out _together_ as friends, because that's what _we_ always did. This wasn't _right_.

The sadness overwhelmed me, and I had to struggle to compose my expression before anybody noticed.

It was another fifteen minutes before Rosalie decided she was ready, too. She strolled unconcernedly into the living room, where everyone except me was chatting and joking and laughing and being carefree, running her hands through her long blonde hair.

"I look like crap, but let's go," she sighed, instantly shattering any confidence that I had about my appearance. If _Rosalie_ thought she looked like crap, I could only imagine what I looked like.

I stayed quiet on the journey to the club. Alice and Rosalie both tried to get me animated, chatting about people I knew and stuff like that, but I just didn't have the energy in me to pretend to be interested in trivial things. I didn't have the energy, full stop. I wished I was back in bed, and had refused to let them talk me into coming out tonight.

Oh well. Too late now.

Alice put her arm around me when we joined the queue for the nightclub, and gave me a comforting smile. I couldn't help but feel a little pathetic. My friends were forced to keep checking that I was OK, and I didn't want their sympathy and pity. All I wanted was Edward back. And to be left alone to mourn the fact that I couldn't have what I wanted.

"How are you feeling?" she asked me, and I attempted a smile.

"Fine," I replied.

Alice pretended to sneeze. "I'm sorry - I'm allergic to bullshit."

I smiled properly this time. "Really, Alice. I'm totally fine."

"Are you sure?" Alice said, scrutinising me, not looking convinced.

"Yes," I insisted, putting everything I had into making my tone sound normal. "Stop worrying about me."

I breathed a sigh of relief when she appeared to believe me. I would have loved to have bitched and moaned and whined about how much my life sucked right now, and about how devastated I still was… but now wasn't the time. And it wouldn't be fair on Alice.

So suck it up, Swan. Put on your best poker face.

The guys led the way to the bar the minute we were inside, and I followed them closely, nothing appealing to me more than something strong and alcoholic. Anything that would get me through tonight. Anything that would help me forget about Edward, even if it was just for a few hours.

I joined Emmett for a shot, before buying a double vodka and Coke. I caught the disapproving look that Rosalie aimed at me, but I didn't care. She was the one who talked me into coming out here, and the least she could do was let me enjoy myself. If that meant getting drunk off my face… great. She shouldn't complain.

After a few more drinks, I felt like dancing, and lost myself in the crowd of people on the dance floor. Guys tried to dance with me, but I shook my head and turned away from them. I didn't see other guys anymore… I only saw Edward. His face, his hair, his eyes… nothing else was good enough for me. My heart twisted with pain, because I was still so hopelessly in love with Edward, and if he didn't want me anymore, then I just wanted to _forget_.

Forget that I loved him, forget that I wanted him, forget that I needed him, forget every memory, every thought - forget everything to do with him.

Why couldn't I just _forget_?

I stumbled towards the bathrooms, my head heavy and my sight blurred. I locked myself in a cubicle and dabbed at my eyes with a tissue. I was being stupid, I told myself. Right. POA - plan of action.

Stop crying. Find my friends. Have another drink. Not think about Edward.

Sounded easy enough.

I checked my appearance in the mirror outside for proof that I had been crying - I just looked a bit pale, but other than that I looked fine. The bathroom was full of girls reapplying makeup and fixing their hairs, and none of them looked like they were suffering from broken heart syndrome. How I wished I could be carefree right now, and have nothing to worry or be sad about.

I was just about to leave the bathroom when the door burst open and Rosalie and Alice breezed in.

"Bella! There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you!" Rosalie gave out.

"Well, I was here," I huffed. They weren't babysitting me; it annoyed me that they were trying to keep an eye on me.

"How much have you had to drink?" Alice demanded.

"Not much," I lied, rolling my eyes at both the question and the way my answer had been a little slurred.

Alice shook her head and sighed. "You're not fine," she said, a little sadly.

I ignored her.

"Right, c'mon, let's go back to the bar," I said loudly, attempting to lead the way. Rosalie grabbed my arm.

"Bella, I think you've had enough -"

I shook her arm off. "Don't touch me, Rose, I'm fine," I said testily, and left the bathroom.

I didn't bother checking if they were following me or not; I headed straight back to the bar, delighted to find Emmett already there.

"Emmett!" I sang, putting my arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, Bells!" he grinned, slinging an arm around me too. "Are you wasted yet?"

"One more should do it," I laughed.

"Fair enough," he said, and proceeded to order me another drink. I decided I'd stick with Emmett for the rest of the night; he wouldn't be annoying like the girls, and try to dictate what was right and wrong for me to do. Emmett just went with the flow, and nothing ever bothered him - that's what I wanted to be like. Stop looking back, and don't bother looking forward. Just live in the present.

Delighted with my newfound philosophy, I knocked back my drink.

* * *

"Emmett. Did I ever tell you that you're the biggest spastic on the planet -"

"Oh, shut up."

"Don't you dare tell me to shut up! Look at her! She's intoxicated!"

"I'm fine," I protested, grinning happily. "Don't yell at Emmett. S'my fault."

Rosalie threw Emmett a dark look nonetheless. I snickered to myself.

I was sharing a cab home with Emmett and Rose, squashed in the backseat between them, feeling drunk and happy. I had been right; alcohol had really helped to take my mind off of… _him_. I didn't feel sad or depressed… I didn't feel much. Just numb.

I didn't want to feel that ache anymore, so I welcomed the numbness with open arms.

Rosalie folded her arms and glared out of the window, and I rolled my eyes. She was blaming Emmett for no reason; I would have kept drinking, no matter who bought the rounds. It wasn't his fault.

I leant my head on Rosalie's shoulder, half expecting her to throw me off.

"Oh, what are we going to do with you, Bella?" she sighed, her anger melting away.

"I dunno," I hiccupped. "I dunno what to do with myself."

The taxi pulled up at our apartment five minutes later. Emmett jumped out first, and grabbed my arms, heaving me out of the taxi. He caught me when I inevitably almost fell; he always joked that he had a built-in Bella Reflex, that enabled him to stop me from tripping or falling or dropping something breakable just in the nick of time. I never thought it was very funny, until right now. I burst into a fit of giggles, and Emmett looked at me like I had ten heads.

"Jaysus, Bells. I always knew you were for the mad house."

"Shush!" I said loudly, still giggling madly.

Rosalie slammed the door of the taxi behind, having paid already. "Quiet, Bella," she hissed. "You'll wake the street!"

We managed to make it up the stairs to our front door, Emmett supporting me the whole way. Alice and Jasper had beaten us home.

"Hey, guys," I said, brightly, choosing to ignore the anxious and disapproving looks. Annoyance was starting to penetrate the numbness; if I wanted to drink enough to forget about Edward, that was my prerogative. I didn't want their lectures or their accusing glares.

"Right, let's get her into bed," Alice sighed. "She should sleep it off."

"I'm not even tired," I grumbled, but I obediently stumbled towards my bedroom, still supported by Emmett, kicking off the ridiculous shoes along the way.

I crawled under my duvet gratefully, vowing never to leave my bed again. My bed would be my only friend. I didn't need anything else.

I buried my head more deeply in the pillow, closing my eyes. I listened to Alice and Emmett leaving my room and closing the door behind them.

"She's going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning," I heard Emmett say.

"No thanks to you," Rosalie snapped.

"I didn't know she was that drunk, babe, how was I supposed to know?"

"You're right, I must have mistaken you for someone with intelligence -"

"Oh, it doesn't matter, Rose! Tonight was a bad idea, it wasn't at all healthy for her. We all know Bella… she doesn't believe in drinking to have a good time," Alice interrupted, sounding stressed.

"Well, what else could we do?" Jasper said. "Nothing else was working… at least she left her room."

"I can hear you, you know," I muttered, but I was too sleepy to care if they had heard me or not. Their voices faded, and I drifted into unconsciousness.

A text on my phone woke me up the next morning.

It was from Edward.


	3. Chapter 3

**thanks for the reviews!! see jen, i updated, no need for world war 3 now is there??!! haha :P this chapter's quote is my fave ever :)**

**Chapter Three**

_I prithee send me back my heart,_

_Since I cannot have thine,_

_For if from yours you will not part,_

_Why, then, shouldst thou have mine?_

_-John Suckling_

I gazed at the phone blearily, not convinced of what I was seeing.

One New Message From: Edward.

I didn't even think. I just opened it.

_Xxxx_

That was all it said. Four letters. Four kisses. From Edward.

I let the phone fall from my hand, not caring where it landed. I buried my head in my pillow, unsure of what I should be feeling. Happy? Angry? Sad?

I decided that I was definitely feeling Sick, and it took a minute for my brain to slowly register why. Ah. Yes. Alcohol. The wonderful solution to all of my problems last night.

Solution, my ass. Drinking never solved anything. I now felt horrible, on top of everything else. And I was still heartbroken, still depressed, still the same Bella, the girl I had been ever since Edward broke up with me.

I wasn't sure if I liked this new Bella. I missed the old one, the one who was happy all the time. But, I supposed, there was no Bella without Edward. I couldn't _be_ happy without him, so I couldn't _be_ who I used to be. That Bella didn't exist anymore.

I sniffed, wishing I could turn my brain back off. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think about how sick I felt, I didn't want to analyse the fact my life seemed to revolve around Edward, I didn't want to _think_ about Edward, or about his stupid message.

At all.

I knew that if I thought about it, I would hurt. Simple as. I was sick of hurting. I was sick of everything. I was sick, full stop.

My head was pounding. My mouth was dry, and my throat stung every time I swallowed. My stomach felt uneasy. My feet were still sore from those shoes.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

Hot tears pricked at the inside of my eyes, and then I felt them rolling down my cheeks, and then I was crying again. I was sick of crying, too. But I couldn't help it. I just felt like such a _mess_… I _hated_ how sick I felt, I _hated_ how much hurt I felt, I _hated_ myself for not being strong enough to deal with this, I _hated_ Edward for making me love him so much that I felt this way now… I was filled with so much hate and anger and hurt and regrets, and I couldn't see how I would ever recover.

It wasn't getting better. It was always the same. I was crying now for the same reasons that I was crying for last week, and my heart hadn't healed even a little bit. I couldn't seem to move on. I didn't want to. I didn't know how to.

But, how was I supposed to try and move on, when Edward was sending messages like that? It was the first I'd heard from him in two weeks. I didn't even want to think of how he had managed to go about his life without me. I didn't want to know how hard, or how easy, that was for him.

He sent me four kisses.

Why? Did he still love me? Did he want me to send an identical message, so that he would know I still felt the same about him? Or was this a trick, so he could check that I was still cut up over him, while he was moving on with his life with ease? What was he thinking when he sent it? How long had he thought about sending it before he did? Was he waiting for a reply right now, thinking about me?

Questions tortured me. Theories haunted me.

I couldn't lie still anymore. I didn't look for my phone as I climbed out of bed; I didn't want to know where it was. I decided to ignore it, because I knew what I was like; I'd end up carrying it around all day, obsessing over it, staring at the message and trying to find the hidden meanings, and eventually I'd send a reply that I'd only regret afterwards. I didn't want to put myself through it.

I threw on my pink silk dressing gown over the dress I was still wearing from the night before. I made a face at my reflection in the mirror; I was pale and looked exactly how I felt, smudged and faded makeup on my eyes still. My hair was all over the place. I stared at myself for a long moment, before turning and leaving the room. I couldn't fix that girl in the mirror, and I knew there was no point in even trying.

I wandered into the kitchen in search of water, and was slightly annoyed to recognise Emmett's naked back behind the fridge door. The guys were always crashing here, and it never bothered me before now. Probably because I had never minded when Edward stayed over.

Pushing that thought out of my mind, I headed towards the tap, grabbing a glass along the way. Emmett straightened up when he sensed me coming, holding a block of cheese.

"Mornin', Bells. How are you feeling today?"

"Like shit," I muttered, watching the glass fill up with water, my eyes blurring in and out of focus. I was so tired, and my neck was struggling to hold my head up, it felt so heavy.

"I don't feel so fresh myself," Emmett announced, and I could feel him eyeing me speculatively as I gulped my water, trying to drown the knot of anger and sadness and worry in my stomach. "But I didn't drink half as much as you did."

I made a noise to show I was listening, and drained my glass. The water had helped, a bit. I tried to think what my next move should be. Go back to bed? No, because I might find my phone. I felt dismay as I realised I had no back up plan. My whole world had been revolving around my bed lately. It was where I could hide from the world, and now that I was avoiding it, I had nothing else to do. Nowhere to go. It was depressing.

When I was with Edward, my life hadn't been totally orientated around him. I had work, and often went out with my friends from there. I called my parents. I went shopping with the girls. I watched football with the guys. I laughed, I joked, I gossiped, I bitched… I had a life. Edward was a fantastic _part_ of my life. Now that he was gone, it was like my life had collapsed. I never realised it when I was with him… but he was the glue holding all the parts of my life together. He made it all make sense. Without him, I was clueless.

I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

"Bella?" Emmett's voice penetrated through the whirl of disturbing thoughts that had captured my attention.

"What?"

"Are you OK?"

I turned to face him. I had always considered Emmett to be very good looking. He was toned and muscled, with a dimpled smile. This morning he was unshaven and scruffy-looking, his eyes tired and full of concern for me. I loved that he cared, and I hated that he saw me like this. It would be so easy for him to tell his brother exactly how I was coping, and then Edward would know. Maybe he already did. Did he pity me? Is that why he sent that text?

"Why in the world would I be OK?" I replied sadly.

Emmett's face crumpled a little in sympathy, and he stepped towards me, his big arms enveloping me in a hug. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around him, hating that everyone had to feel sorry for me all the time, hating that I wished they could be Edward's arms instead.

"He's not doing much better than you, you know," Emmett said suddenly, and I froze. I had avoided asking Emmett about Edward, because I was afraid of the answers. I didn't want to know if he was happy, or miserable. Both possibilities hurt as bad as the other. Emmett had quickly learned not to mention Edward in front of me, and that's the way I wanted to keep it. I just… wasn't strong enough to know yet.

I still wasn't.

I pulled free of Emmett. "I'm going back to bed," I said, saying the first thing that came into my head, temporarily forgetting that I was trying to avoid my bed today.

"Bella," Emmett protested, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to hear more, or think about what he'd already said. I headed for my bedroom, but lost enthusiasm halfway. I decided against Rosalie's room, because I knew Emmett would just follow me in there, so I knocked on Alice's door.

"Come in," she sang.

I pushed the door open. Alice was stretched out in her double bed, yet she was so tiny she was barely taking up any room in it at all. I threw myself in the bed beside her, sighing.

"Hi."

"Hey, honey, are you OK?" she asked, instantly concerned.

"Stop that," I said, annoyed.

"Stop what?" Alice was confused.

"Asking if I'm OK. Worrying about me. Just stop it, I'm sick of it," I said, holding my aching head in my hands. Alice fell silent, and eventually I turned to look at her. Alice actually staying silent was a rare occurrence. She was gazing at the ceiling, expressionless.

"Is Jasper gone?" I asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"Yeah, he went to work," Alice answered, her voice sounding normal. I couldn't help but get the feeling she was plotting something.

"Poor Jazz Man, working on a Sunday," I commented. Jasper was the manager of a restaurant/bar, and they were always the busiest on weekends.

Alice made a noise of agreement, before launching the attack I knew was coming.

"Speaking of work… are you going in tomorrow?"

I knew she was expecting me to come up with an excuse, so I decided to surprise her.

"Yes."

"Really?" I could tell from her tone she was both relieved and eager. Eager for me to get back to normal. Eager for me to no longer be someone she had to worry about.

"I don't want to lose my job," I answered, my heart sinking when I suddenly thought of Jacob. I didn't know if I was ready to face him yet.

"This is good, Bella," Alice encouraged. "I'm glad you're going back to work. You need to get back to your old routine, the norm, it will help take your mind off… everything."

I could tell she had been about to say 'Edward'… like anything could take my mind off him for very long.

"I already tried that," I reminded her. I had gone into work straight after the break up, and it hadn't been much of a distraction at all.

"There's no harm in trying again," Alice said, always the optimist. "Doing anything would be better than what you're doing now. You're just… _empty_, Bella. It scares me. All you want to do is lie in your bed all day and hide from the world, and you refuse any help we try to give you… you know we want you to be happy, right? You're sick of us worrying about you, but you continue to give us reasons to worry. We just want you to be OK, Bella."

I was crying again, and I hadn't even realised it.

"I know," I said, because she was right. I was acting the martyr. I wasn't trying. I didn't _want_ to try and move on from Edward, but I couldn't keep going the way I was. What I was learning from life was that it sucked, and there was a lot that I wanted and couldn't have, and a lot I didn't want yet had to deal with.

I wiped my eyes, annoyed with myself. Surely my tear ducts had run dry by now.

"Are you OK?" Alice asked, and I threw her a look. "I withdraw my question, it was stupid," she added, looking as though she was trying to hide a smile.

"Really stupid," I agreed, and I laughed despite myself.

I hung out with Alice for most of the day. She forced me back out of bed to help her clean the flat, and for once I didn't complain; I hated cleaning and would do anything to avoid it, normally. I was just thankful of something to do. Rosalie appeared at various times of the day for food, but mainly she spent the day in bed with Emmett. I tried not to think of my lazy Sundays with Edward, and focus on the floor I was vacuuming and the shelves I was dusting.

I couldn't bring myself to tell Alice about the text.

I wondered a lot about what her reaction would be, and what she'd advise me to do. Something held me back from telling her though; I felt it was something private, between Edward and I. I kept it to myself all day, thinking about it on and off.

I put off going to bed for as long as I could, and stayed up late in front of the TV, watching mind-numbingly boring black and white films, until I couldn't take it any longer. Knowing I would regret it when I woke up for work the next morning, I headed to bed, diving under the covers. My arm hit off something cool and hard, and I knew it was my phone. I picked it up, making a sleepy decision.

I found the message from Edward in my inbox, and stared at it for a second, before hitting the reply button.

_Xxxx_

I sent the same text back to him, trying not to cry, before I deleted his message.


	4. Chapter 4

**aw, im luvin the reviews everyone! :D cheers! i just wish jen would quit threatening me with violence....:P lol. and eimear! she's da bomb. :D enjoy! ;)**

**Chapter Four**

_Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: _

_could have, might have, and should have._

_- Louis E. Boone_

Ew. Work.

The thought of staying in bed for just one more day was so tempting, but I forced myself to get up and go for a shower, muttering under my breath. My brain was already getting back into work mode, and I groaned internally at the backlog of work that had probably piled up on me during the last week.

It took so long to decide what to wear and apply makeup and dry my hair, that by the time I left my room I was running a bit late. Rosalie was in the kitchen, drinking a smoothie.

"Morning," she greeted me, not looking surprised to see me up. I guessed she and Alice had been discussing me.

"Hi," I said distractedly, wondering if I had time to make coffee.

"How are you today?"

"Tired," I replied, deciding against launching into how depressed and unenthusiastic I also felt. I decided to just buy coffee at the canteen before the morning meeting. If I made it in with enough time to spare, that was.

"Same here," Rose yawned. "I'm not in the mood for work at all."

"Join the club," I muttered, checking my pockets to make sure I had my phone and purse with me. "Right, I'll see you later."

"Bye."

I could tell she had been about to say more, so I left before she had a chance. I just wanted to pretend the last week hadn't happened, and that this morning was like any other morning. I really didn't feel like one of Rosalie's pep talks.

It passed in a blur; I became lost in a familiar routine, stuck in a hazy state of numb. Colleagues welcomed me back, and I smiled and asked for the gossip like I always did. My voice sounded normal, to me anyway. I didn't think I looked like a girl who had just spent the last week nursing a broken heart.

I didn't let anyone know about Edward; I told them I had the flu.

"Christ," my columnist friend, Angela, said, "if I could look as well as you do now after suffering from the flu, you wouldn't catch me complaining."

I smiled and told her I'd talk to her later, wanting to escape before she figured out I was lying, and wanted to hear the real reason.

I immersed myself in work, still stuck in my numb bubble. It was only at lunchtime, when I walked into the cafeteria, that I was woken up out of it.

"Bella! You're back!"

Before I had time to blink, a pair of arms were almost crushing me to death.

"Jacob - can't - breathe -" I gasped.

"Oh sorry," he said, releasing me immediately. He grinned at me infectiously, and I couldn't help but return a smile.

"Hey, Jacob," I said.

I had expected to feel different around him now, because he was a small part of the reason Edward didn't want me anymore. But I felt the way I always did. I got on really well with Jacob; he was a good friend. I just wished Edward could have understood that that was all there was to it.

"What's up, Bells? Where the hell have you been all week?" he demanded.

"Nowhere special," I said, avoiding his eyes.

"Don't give me that! You wouldn't return my calls, I thought something serious had happened!"

"I'm sorry I never got back to you, Jake, I just had a lot on my mind."

Jacob eyed me for a moment, and then smiled. "You're forgiven. Just don't let it happen again," he said, poking me in the ribs.

"Hey!" I protested, rolling my eyes. He was like the big kid brother I never had.

We grabbed our usual table, and I could tell Jacob hadn't finished interrogating me. I knew he wouldn't rest until he had the truth out of me; well, what could I expect, he _was_ a reporter. I still hadn't decided if I should tell him about Edward. I could just pretend that everything was normal, and we were still a couple, but I knew that would hurt me way more than I'd be able to cover up.

"So, what's the reason behind you being missing for so long?" Jacob asked, as though he was reading my mind.

"I had the flu," I said automatically.

"You sure don't look like you're recovering from the flu."

"Well, what _does_ someone recovering from the flu supposed to look like?" I demanded defensively.

"Not like you, anyway," Jacob grinned. "You look the picture of health, albeit a little tired."

"I didn't get much sleep," I said, trying to avoid the real subject.

"How come?"

"Are you always this nosy, or is it a recent development?" I snapped, my nerves frayed to the limit.

Jacob held up his hands in front of him. "Sorry, Bella," he said, "I was just being concerned about you."

"Yeah, well, I'm sick of everyone being concerned about me," I muttered, glaring at the table. He was starting to sound like Alice.

"Why would everyone be concerned about you?" Jacob asked, gently this time. I eyed him warily. He was just looking out for me, yet another person who just wanted me to be OK. It was just harder than I thought it would be… every second I spent talking to him, my guilt levels increased. It almost felt like I was betraying Edward, by talking to him.

I knew I shouldn't feel that way, because Edward probably didn't care what I was doing anymore.

I took too long to answer Jacob, lost in my thoughts, and he cleared his throat, reminding me he was still there.

"They think I'm not coping," I sighed.

"Coping with what?" Jacob looked frustrated, and I knew I was being unhelpful, but I was so reluctant to admit the truth; it would only make it more real, more serious, more heart-breaking, if I started to tell people.

I didn't answer him, and he reached out, putting his hand over mine. I stared at it. Was this the kind of thing Edward had been insecure about? Had Jacob always been like this, yet I had never taken much notice? Did it mean more to Jacob than it did to me? Had Edward been right? Did Jacob see me differently than I saw him?

I abruptly blocked out all those thoughts, because they were too complicated and painful to think about right now.

"Bella, you can tell me," Jacob reassured me. "You can trust me."

"I know I can."

"Then why won't you tell me what's wrong?" He was frustrated again.

I took back my hand as casually as I could; I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I tucked my hair behind my ears and cleared my throat, my heart jumping in erratic bursts.

"Edward and I are on a break," I said, and was amazed at how normal my voice sounded. "But I don't know if we're ever getting back together or not."

Jacob just stared at me, frowning. I waited for him to say something, avoiding his eyes.

There. I said it. Admitted it. There was no rush of relief, no feeling of release at finally admitting something I had kept to myself all this time… there was just hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Jacob said eventually, and his arm made an involuntary movement; it was like he wanted to touch me again, but decided better of it at the last second. Maybe I hadn't been as subtle as I had hoped. I watched as he folded his arms too, feeling bad.

I felt bad about everything; I just wanted to stop feeling.

"Thanks," I said, in a small, quiet voice. I was almost glad that my voice had stopped sounding normal; it wasn't me, it wasn't how I felt. I hated pretending, and I had always been a bad liar - I was just the type of person who wore my heart on my sleeve. I couldn't just ignore my heart when it was breaking, and pretend I was fine. I just couldn't do it.

"Is there anything I can do?" Jacob continued, his voice coloured with something oh-so-familiar: concern. I hated the sound of it now.

"Not really," I replied tonelessly.

_You've already done enough._

I banished the thought as soon as it came; I was not vindictive. Jacob hadn't done anything intentional to split us up; it had been Edward's insecurity, my ignorance.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I answered almost immediately, shaking my head. "Let's talk about something else."

"OK," Jacob agreed, keeping his tone light. I could tell he was still mulling everything over in his mind, and I decided I didn't want to know what he was thinking. "How about we talk about a party my friend is hosting tonight?"

I eyed him warily. "Oh?"

"Yep," he grinned. "I was going to tell you about it ages ago, but I couldn't get in touch with you. Do you want to come?"

I made a face, and Jacob laughed.

"You're not getting out of it that easy," he said. "Seth promised it would be a big event and to invite everyone I knew, and so far I've left it a bit late."

"Yeah, a bit," I said grumpily. I could just _tell_ I was going to get dragged to this party. Jacob had an annoying habit of convincing me to go places I wasn't really interested in - but at least I had been allowed to bring Edward with me. I was almost afraid of going somewhere with Jacob, just me. I knew it would definitely feel like I was betraying Edward.

"So, please come, Bella," Jacob wheedled, looking at me with big puppy dog eyes. "It'll be way more fun…?"

"I'm no fun at the moment," I muttered darkly.

"I believe that," Jacob nodded.

There was a silence, and we just stared at each other. The corner of his mouth twitched, and that set me off; we both burst out laughing. I wasn't able to stop; I laughed until my stomach hurt and there were tears in my eyes.

"Oh man," Jacob said, fanning his face, still sniggering.

"Ouch," I gasped, clutching my sides. "I haven't laughed like that in ages!"

"You've been having a rough time, huh?" Jacob said, smiling wryly.

"You could say that," I replied, sobering up a little.

"Well then, you should come out with me tonight," he coaxed. "You _will_ have a laugh, I promise!"

I eyed him, considering it. It didn't seem like a terrible idea, having a laugh… and maybe it would get Rosalie and Alice off my back.

Jacob performed the puppy dog eyes again, and my mind was made.

"Alright then," I laughed, rolling my eyes.

"Yes!" Jacob punched the air victoriously, dragging out the 's'.

"But can I just make something clear?" I began, nervously. "This isn't… we're just friends, OK? It's staying like that."

Jacob held up his hands in front of him again. "No worries, Bella."

"Cool," I said, both relieved and awkward. I hurried to change the subject. "So, tell me about this party, is it themed or what?"

* * *

Jacob eyed me exasperatedly as I giggled into my glass of vodka and orange.

"Bella, you're drunk!" he admonished.

"So?" I hiccupped. "I'm sick of everyone giving out to me for getting drunk! I'm an adult! I'm twenty-three years old, goddamn it! I can legally drink!"

"I know you can," Jacob sighed, although he looked as though he was trying to hide a grin. "There's no need to have a tantrum."

"There's every need," I grumbled, hiccupping again.

Jacob rolled his eyes.

Despite my good intentions, I had started drinking almost as soon as I arrived. I just wanted to feel numb again, because I felt so lonely going out without Edward, and while I could relax and be myself with Jacob, every now and then the guilt overwhelmed me, and I thought of Edward's beautiful, green, accusing eyes.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong, but I tried to tell myself I was crazy. Jacob was my friend, nothing more, and it wasn't against the law for me to go to a party with him.

But the guilt intensified the second I got to there. Jacob introduced me to his friends, and a few times I was mistaken for his girlfriend. What really annoyed me was the fact Jacob kept laughing it off, instead of denying it straightaway. I made my feelings towards him perfectly clear.

I also couldn't help thinking of Alice and Rosalie's disapproving looks when I told them where I was going and who with. I knew why; they thought it was another excuse for me to drown my sorrows. I resolved right then and there to stay sober the whole night, but then I just couldn't help myself.

Everything was so complicated and confusing, and I didn't want to think about any of it anymore.

"I didn't realise that when you want to have a laugh it means getting plastered," Jacob commented, raising an eyebrow.

"Sorry, _Dad_," I sniped, and he rolled his eyes again. "And it doesn't, usually. I just felt like having a drink, is all," I defended myself haughtily.

"Sure, sure," he said, and I huffed.

"You are so annoying, Jacob, you're just as bad as all of my other friends. _You shouldn't do this, Bella, you shouldn't do that, Bella_… you can all just sod off."

"You know we're only looking out for you, right?" Jacob said, now looking thoroughly entertained by my drunken ranting.

"Don't you dare try and make me feel guilty, Jacob Black," I snapped. "I don't need anyone looking out for me, I can handle this all by myself."

"Sure looks that way," Jacob nodded, eyeing the glass of alcohol in my hands.

I opened my mouth to give out to him again, when suddenly all my fight and energy was drained from me. I was just so _tired_ of arguing with everyone, arguing with myself. I couldn't do it anymore, it was too exhausting.

"Woah," Jacob said, steadying me as I swayed a little. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I muttered. "I'm just tired."

"Do you want me to take you home?"

I nodded, closing my eyes. I wasn't having fun, and I didn't feel comfortable here, surrounded by strangers. I wanted my bed.

I told myself how pathetic I was, once again.

"Right, c'mon then."

Jacob slung an arm around my shoulders and guided me out of the house, shouting "catch you later" at random people along the way. I felt that surge of annoyance from earlier; now he was making it look like he was going home with me, like we were a couple. I wanted to shrug his arm off, but I knew I'd probably fall over without it.

Once we were in the car, I leant my head against the headrest, singing softly to myself.

"_See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side... I wait for you…"_

Jacob chuckled at me. "You're so random," he said.

I ignored him, battling on with one of my favourite songs. One of mine and Edward's favourite songs.

"_Sleight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait, and I wait without you…"_

"You're a really bad singer," Jacob commented, and I saw him sticking his tongue out at me from the corner of my eyes.

I raised my voice in retaliation, singing louder.

"_With or without you… with or without you, woah… I can't live… with or without you_…"

"I didn't know you were a U2 fan," Jacob said interestedly, as my voice trailed off.

"Edward is," I mumbled, so quietly I doubt he heard me.

"They're a good band, alright," Jacob continued. "I quite like City Of Blinding Lights. _You look so beautiful tonight_," he sang, grinning.

I was quite sure that was meant to be flirtatious, and I was annoyed again. Didn't he get it? Couldn't he understand that I was still totally crazy about Edward? Or was this what Edward was always talking about; that Jacob didn't really care about boundaries?

I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, one that was hard to ignore.

"You're a really bad singer," I echoed Jacob from earlier, in an attempt to distract myself.

"I'm better than you, Miss Tone Deaf."

"Whatever, Mr Out Of Tune."

Jacob laughed, and I looked out the window as the car slowed down; I recognised the street as mine.

"Thanks for the lift," I said, now in a hurry to get out of the car, that uneasy feeling swelling inside me, making me almost feel sick with it. "I'll talk to you at work."

"Wait, Bells," he said, grabbing my arm. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Talk?" I inquired, nervously.

"Yeah," Jacob said earnestly. "Look, I just wanted you to know… that I'm here for you, OK? If you need someone to talk to about Edward, or anything at all… and I won't be annoying like your friends," he grinned.

"Ah, they're not all bad," I said, with a nervous giggle, my voice an octave higher than usual. My heart was hammering in my chest, and I still couldn't shake that uneasy feeling.

"Well… I just wanted you to know that I'm here too…" Jacob was looking at his hands. "And I'll look out for you anyway, even if you don't want me to."

I didn't know what to say, so there was a small pause.

"Thanks," I said eventually.

"No problem," he said, raising his head. "Now give me a hug."

I smiled as he wrapped his big arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Maybe I was worrying about nothing. He was just being a good friend.

I began to pull away, and inhaled sharply when I noticed his face was suddenly _way_ too close. I froze, panicking, and before I had any time to even _think_ about unfreezing myself, Jacob's lips were crushing mine.

_Oh, no, no, no, no…_

He didn't taste like Edward. He didn't smell like Edward. He didn't _feel_ like Edward… all I could think and feel was _Edward_.

I couldn't _do_ this.

I pulled away, cursing myself for not doing it as soon as I realised he was going to make a move. I didn't look at him, or his expression; I didn't want to see that I had hurt him, because it might have driven me over the edge.

"I'm sorry, Jacob, but I can't…" I said, fumbling with the door handle. "I just can't."

I climbed out of the car, closed it behind me, and walked towards my door, too scared to look back at him. My stomach was twisting into knots, as if saying 'I told you so'. I could feel Jacob's eyes on me, but I was too chicken-shit to glance back at him; I only breathed properly once I was in the door of the apartment building, and I began to climb the stairs, each leg feeling like it weighed a million tons.

Alice and Rosalie were still awake, watching TV on the sofa. Rosalie had her phone in her hand, texting Emmett, no doubt, and I could hear clanging coming from the kitchen, which probably meant Jasper was over.

The guys might as well just move in here, I thought grumpily, slamming the front door behind me.

"Bella!" Alice greeted me. "You're home early! Did you have a good night?"

"Are you drunk?" Rosalie asked at the same time.

"I'm going to bed," I announced, ignoring their questions, using all my concentration on walking in a straight line towards my bedroom.

The girls tried to protest, but I ignored them again, and thankfully they didn't try following me and interrogating me further. I checked my phone before I buried myself under the duvet: no messages.

I felt a powerful rush of irritation and impatience. This had gone on long enough. I loved Edward, I wanted to be with him, and I couldn't stand being without him any longer. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I was going to sort this whole mess out.


	5. Chapter 5

**sorry bout the delay, i couldn't get this chapter quite right,but i think it'll do. thank you for the reviews,they all rock majorly :D**

**Chapter Five**

_One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter._

_- James Earl Jones_

For one blissful second after I opened my eyes the next morning, I thought of nothing. My mind was blank, and I felt OK, content, peaceful.

And then everything hit me like a bag of bricks.

Edward. Jacob.

Aw, crap.

I was so preoccupied with my memories of the night before that I didn't even register how sick I felt until I started to get up. Right, that was _it_. I was never going to drink like this again, especially not on a weeknight. It wasn't worth it, and it never solved anything.

I remembered the determination I felt last night, that today would be the day I would finally talk to Edward, and I felt dismay that it had seemed to have evaporated overnight. All my insecurities were back, and I was scared again. What if he didn't _want_ to talk to me? What if he thought it was too late for us? Every possible bad scenario whirled around my head, and I was back to waiting, waiting for _anything_.

I left for work late, again, looking and feeling absolutely horrific. I knew I had to start pulling my socks up, but I just didn't have the same drive that I had before. I used to love my job, but now it was just somewhere to go, something to do. It was just a distraction from thinking about Edward Damn Cullen all day long.

I was dreading running into Jacob. I just knew I wouldn't be able to face _that_ conversation at all… and I didn't know what to say to him. He shouldn't have kissed me. That was stupid. I had made my feelings towards him perfectly clear, and what I needed was a friend to rely on, not a friend with hidden agendas.

I caught glimpses of him throughout the day, but he seemed to be avoiding me, and was nowhere to be found at lunchtime. I couldn't feel but oddly grateful. I had enough to deal with at the moment, and Jacob knew that. He should have been helping me out, not adding to my problems.

But I wouldn't hold it against him forever… maybe if I managed to sort things out with Edward, no matter what way it turned out, I could sort things out with Jacob too, eventually. He was a good friend, despite his lapse last night.

My phone rang halfway through the day, and I made a face at it. The hour hand was dragging itself around the clock, way too slowly for my liking.

"Hello?" I muttered grumpily.

"Jesus, Bella, you're not working for a suicide hotline," a familiar chirpy voice said.

"Alice, hi - I told you not to ring me at work, it makes me look very unprofessional," I hissed, looking shiftily around my desk.

"But I have gossip!"

I smiled. Typical Alice.

"What gossip?"

"Well, I don't know if you deserve to hear it now," she huffed, and I rolled my eyes.

"I want to hear it. What is it?" I asked, curious.

"Well…" Alice began, prolonging it as long as she could. "Jessica Stanley has gotten engaged!"

"What?!" I exploded. She had been one of my friends in high school, but I didn't stay in touch, since she turned out to be such a bitch. "To who?! Wait - don't tell me! It's Mike Newton, isn't it?"

"Nope…" Alice teased, her tone excited.

"Who then? Do I know him?"

"Yes…"

"Who is it then?!" I demanded, beyond impatient now.

"Eric Yorkie."

I was silent for a second, letting that sink in, before bursting into a peal of laughter.

"You're not serious?!"

"Deadly," Alice giggled. "I heard it straight from the horse's mouth."

"I can't believe it," I said, shaking my head. "She's only marrying him because he won money on that lottery ticket last year."

"I know yeah, she's that shallow."

"When were you talking to her?"

"This morning. She's throwing a party tomorrow night to celebrate, and we're invited."

"_We_?"

"Yep. We. My guess is that she's trying to make it look like she's got more friends than she actually has. Under normal circumstances you wouldn't catch me dead near her - she's so fake - but I really want to go, 'cause this is too good to miss!"

"You're right," I said, grinning. "We'll go."

"Bella," Alice said slowly, in a tone that made me instantly wary.

"What?"

"She invited _all_ of us."

"And?"

"And that means Edward too."

I swallowed. "Oh. OK."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I said, too defensively.

Alice didn't answer that. "OK, just as long as you know."

"That's fine," I said, way too breezily. My heart was hammering - was this my chance to try and talk to Edward? Would he go to the party, knowing that I was going? Would he want to talk to me there? Or would it be too awkward? We wouldn't be arriving together though, which would get the gossip mill overflowing… a wave of misery washed over me at the thought.

Alice clearly didn't believe my attempt at nonchalance, and I pretended there was a work emergency to get her off the phone. Once I had hung up, I put my face in my hands, my elbows leaning on the desk.

What a disaster my life was.

* * *

"I did an excellent job, if I do say so myself."

I smiled at Rosalie in thanks. She had just given up half an hour of her time to help me get ready, as I was too busy staring into space, making up scenarios in my head of when I would bump into Edward and what would happen next, too distracted by my daydreams to even concentrate on my appearance.

The party was tonight, and I had spent the rest of yesterday and most of today fretting. I didn't know whether or not it would be best to talk to Edward before the party, just in case the party atmosphere was too informal for Edward and I to talk like we needed to. Yet every time I picked up my phone to call or text him, I chickened out at the last minute. I was just so scared of rejection.

I hadn't even been sure whether or not he was going, until Emmett arrived an hour ago and told us (well, told Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, while I eavesdropped) that Edward had tried to make up an excuse to get out of it, but Emmett was dragging his brother along anyway.

I knew what he was up to. Emmett was trying to get both of us in the same room, so that we could sort this all out. I wasn't stupid.

I prayed that the fact Edward tried to get out of going to the party was nothing to do with me. My brain still tortured me with theories though; he didn't want to see me, he wanted to break up for good but didn't want to say it at a party… it hurt. How could he not want to talk to me? I thought he loved me? We had been apart for over two weeks - didn't he miss me? Didn't he care? Why wasn't he jumping at the first chance to see each other, like I was?

I did want to talk to Edward. More than anything. I was so nervous about it, and the worry in my stomach was only intensified by the fact I had no idea what he thought about all of this. _Was_ he missing me, or was he loving life without me?

I knew I couldn't go on like this any longer; I had to know. I needed to speak to him, because my theories and musings were driving me crazy.

"Bella. Planet Earth calling."

"Sorry, Rose," I said, shaking my head a little in an effort to become more alert. "I was just…"

"In your own world," Rosalie answered for me. "Obviously. It'll be fine, Bells, stop worrying. It'll all work out."

"Hmm," I mumbled, the knot of tension in my stomach warning me not to stake too many hopes on Rosalie's words.

She gave me a hug.

"You look amazing. Edward won't know what hit him."

"Thanks, Rosalie," I said, hugging her back.

"Will you two get your arses into gear? Jasper has the controller and he's watching shite and I would rather leave the house than listen to Star Trek -"

Emmett burst through the door, complaining at the top of his voice.

"Yes, yes, just give me a chance to put my makeup on," Rosalie said impatiently, breaking free of me and gathering all her beauty products together.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "We'll be another hour, so, huh?"

Rosalie threw him a dark look and stalked into the en-suite.

"The worse she treats me the more I love her," Emmett grinned, shaking his head. "You look first class, Bells, by the way."

"Cheers," I said distractedly, considering myself in the mirror. I had somehow managed to squeeze into a royal blue, figure-hugging dress, with black velvet shoes and a matching belt. My makeup was simple and my hair was curly and shiny, and I couldn't find much to fault with my reflection. I could see the worry and heartbreak in my eyes, but there wasn't a lot I could do about it. I just hoped it wouldn't be easy to notice.

"… stupid Jasper and his Star Trek, what a complete geek, who the hell still watches it -"

"Are we meeting Edward at Jessica's?" I interrupted Emmett's complaining, which had just started up again.

He paused before he answered me, and I cursed myself. Damn it. I was trying so hard to look like this wasn't a big deal to me, but of course it was. I was quite possibly finding out tonight whether Edward thought we still had a future or not. He was the love of my life. Of course it was a big deal to me.

"Yeah, we are," Emmett said casually, and I nodded. "Bella," he began, and I could tell by his tone he was going to be encouraging, say something to make me feel better, and I didn't want to hear it. Rosalie didn't know, and neither did Emmett - neither of them _knew_ how this would turn out. I didn't want my hopes up at all, just because they were optimistic. I just wanted to deal with this on my own and try and accept whatever way it turned out, good or bad.

"I'll just go and see if Alice is ready," I said hurriedly, and left the room before he could get a word in edgeways.

I found Alice in the living room, checking her makeup in a compact mirror, sitting next to Jasper, who was glued to an ancient episode of the original Star Trek. They both looked up when I walked into the room.

"Oh wow, you look fabulous, Bella!" Alice squealed excitedly, Jasper nodding in agreement and giving me a thumbs up.

"Thanks," I said, blushing and rolling my eyes. "You look fabulous too, Al."

Alice beamed at me. "Are we all ready to go yet? I'm dying to see Jessica and Eric, I bet anything she'll hang off his arm all night, simpering like an idiot."

"No doubt," I said. "Rosalie is just finishing her makeup."

"Excellent, I might get to see the end of this episode then," Jasper piped up, his eyes back on the television screen. Alice and I laughed, shaking our heads at each other.

Rosalie surprised us all by only taking fifteen minutes to get ready, and then we all squeezed into Emmett's jeep. I stared out of the window, watching houses and trees and cars flashing by, my hands twisting together. I breathed slowly and deliberately, in an attempt to keep myself calm, only half-listening to Emmett and Jasper's bickering over which radio station was better. I just prayed Edward wouldn't ignore me, or refuse to talk to me, or something equally as hurtful.

I took comfort in the fact that I knew him better than anyone, and knew he wasn't like that at all.

All too soon, the journey was over. I eyed Jessica's pretentious new house uneasily - now I felt sick. I was suddenly totally unsure that I could even face him. I was just about to panic and change my mind and decide I wasn't going, when I felt Alice touch my arm.

"Come on, Bells. You'll be fine."

I took another deep breath, and climbed out of the car, determined. I had to talk to Edward tonight, and behind the panic, I knew I couldn't go any longer without facing him. Or it could be too late.

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Bella, it was a complete accident," Emmett apologised profusely.

"It's alright, it's alright," I repeated myself over and over, feeling harassed. Emmett had somehow managed to spill both my drink and his drink down my dress, and he hadn't stopped apologising. I felt stressed out, because Edward hadn't arrived yet and he was over an hour late, and now I had a suspicious looking stain on my dress. I also had Jessica interrogating me about Edward with vindictive eyes, while Eric threw her longing glances from across the room. Alice had been wrong - Jessica was doing the opposite of hanging off his arm; she was ignoring him completely. No one would have guessed they were even a couple if this wasn't their engagement party. Jasper and Emmett were now in the habit of breaking into Kanye West's 'Gold Digger' every time Jessica walked past them.

So all in all, it wasn't a great night so far.

"Emmett, go away and annoy someone else," Rosalie huffed, futilely dabbing at my dress with tissue. "You've done enough damage."

"I really didn't mean to -"

"I know, Emmett," I interrupted him, throwing him a quick smile. "It's alright."

He left, closing the bathroom door behind him, still apologising loudly. Rosalie tutted.

"He's such a spastic sometimes," she said.

"This is hopeless, Rose," I said sadly, eying my poor dress. "I'll just have to go around looking like someone pissed on me."

Rosalie exhaled loudly, giving up. "I'll kill him," she vowed.

"I think that's illegal," I said, smiling.

"I'll say it was self defence. I was trying to protect myself from his idiocy."

We both laughed.

"You know you couldn't live without him though," I grinned, and Rosalie rolled her eyes, shrugging.

"That's probably true," she giggled, and I felt a twinge of sadness. I missed Edward like crazy. I missed being able to talk to my girlfriends about their boyfriends without feeling sad and resentful.

"So, how are you holding up?" Rosalie asked, noticing my change in mood. She could see right through me sometimes.

"I'm OK," I answered honestly. "I just… don't know how to feel when I see him."

Rosalie smiled and shook her hand. "He's so stupid."

"Who? Emmett?" I asked, confused.

"No, Edward. He should have sorted everything out with you ages ago, instead of hiding himself away and eating take-out every night. You have unfinished business - you both could have saved yourselves a lot of hurt if you stopped avoiding one another and tried to sort it out. The two of you aren't over yet, and you both know it."

I stared at her with my mouth open, only one sentence of her little speech properly registering with me. Was she telling the truth? Is that what Edward had been doing that whole time? Hiding himself away, eating junk… just like me?

He wasn't… having fun without me?

I was suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to talk to him, see him, and I couldn't get out of the bathroom fast enough.

"Come on, come on, we can't do anything about this dress, it doesn't matter anyway, so let's just rejoin the party," I said, the words all coming out in a garbled rush.

Rosalie linked arms with me and we left the bathroom, my heart pounding with excitement. I didn't know how, but I just knew he had arrived, and all I had to do was find him. My stomach was churning with nerves and anticipation, and I took a few deep breaths to try and calm down.

And then I saw him.

For a second I was so overwhelmed that I stopped breathing altogether; he was still perfect, still beautiful, still everything I had ever wanted. I drank him in, only vaguely aware of my feet moving towards him. He was standing with Alice, Jasper and Emmett, talking, his perfect features arranged into a moody, sombre expression.

I watched, my breath held, as his eyes flickered over to my face.

He held my gaze for the longest moment of my life, and everything disappeared. All I could think of were the good memories, the good times… all the times he had ever told me he loved me, and all the times I said it back, and meant it.

It took me a slow second to realise that my feet had stopped walking, and that I was right in front of him. He was still staring at me, completely rapt, an unfathomable expression on his face now, and I just wished everybody around me could vanish, and leave me alone with him. I loved him. I wanted to work this shit out, more than anything.

I broke his gaze, and looked down, because I needed to clear my head. It was so easy to get lost in his eyes, and I needed to be able to think straight. I needed to remember how to structure sentences, also.

I was just about to raise my head again and say 'hi', to _speak_ to him properly for the first time in two weeks, all too aware that Alice was holding her breath and Emmett and Jasper were quietly betting on what was going to happen next.

But then Rosalie spoke.

"Hey, Edward. Who's this?"

My head snapped up, and my eyes registered a stunning strawberry blonde girl I hadn't even noticed, in a dress the exact same colour as mine, yet without the stain.

Edward had to clear his throat three times before he could speak.

"Uh, this is Tanya. Tanya, this is Rosalie and Bella," he said, in a stiff, formal voice that sounded nothing like his own.

Tanya beamed beatifically. "It's a pleasure to meet both of you, I've heard so much -"

It suddenly clicked together in my head. She had come with Edward.

If Rosalie wasn't still holding my arm, I think I might have fallen. It took me just a second to recover enough to get the hell out of there.

"If you'll excuse me," I interrupted, not even caring about how rude I sounded. "I need a drink."

Refusing to catch anyone's eye, especially Edward's, I stumbled away, my head spinning with hurt and confusion. I grabbed somebody's drink right out of their hands and downed it, ignoring the protest, and battled my way back towards the bathroom. I slammed it shut and tried to lock it, tears I just couldn't fight streaming down my cheeks, but then somebody tried to open it, pushing against me forcefully.

"Go away!" I called, using all my strength to try and close the door again.

"Bella Swan!" a heartbreakingly beautiful voice snapped from the other side of the door. "Let me in right now."

I could never resist that voice. I stood back from the door and let Edward in.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry, again, about the delay...i had computer issues. i swear when the laptop sees me it says to itself, oh look, here comes lea, let us open and close documents for no reason, turn myself on and off, and freeze up at crucial moments. grrr. hahaha, anyway, here we go with chapter six, hope you enjoy it, and jen, have some fluff. :D. **

**P.S. darcyM. New Zealand. whoooooooooo! :D and also, thanks for the meganormous review, twaz sensational.**

**Chapter Six**

_I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it._

_- Spike: Buffy The Vampire Slayer_

He burst through the door, slamming it behind him. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to see that I was upset, and I didn't want to look in his eyes as he told me it was over, because he found someone else.

I could feel him glaring at me, and I could almost imagine his expression… his eyebrows furrowed in frustration, his eyes glinting angrily… he always used to run his fingers through his hair when he was agitated, too. I furiously snapped myself into the present - now was not the time to be nostalgic.

"Bella, what the hell was that?" Edward demanded.

"What the hell was what?" I retorted, finding it harder and harder not to look at him with each passing moment.

"That!" he said, and in my peripheral vision I could see him flailing his arms. "Being rude, storming off… Tanya didn't know what to think."

My eyes flashed, and immediately I was fired up. How _dare_ he? Put _her_ before _me_?

I whirled around to face him.

"_Sorry_," I spat, "for not being a model ex-girlfriend. Now just go back to your darling _Tanya_ and leave me alone, you complete prick!"

Edward's expression had frozen on his face, and even in my rage and heartbreak, it still occurred to me how handsome he was. I glowered at him, breathing heavily, hating him and loving him all at the same time.

"Why are you crying?" he asked after a pause, sounding subdued, and almost shocked.

I ferociously wiped the tears from my face. "Because I'm upset," I said, in a _well, duh _tone of voice.

"Why are you upset?"

"Why do you think, Edward?!" I exploded. "You can't just show up here with your new girlfriend and expect me not to be upset about it!"

Edward did a double take.

"What? Girlfriend?"

I sniffed, looking away from him. Despite weeks of wanting to see him and speak to him, more than anything, now I just wanted him to leave.

"Bella, Tanya isn't my girlfriend. She's my cousin."

I froze. "She what?"

"She's my cousin. She's visiting me from Denali - she wanted to come with me tonight because she wanted to meet all my friends. And you."

"Oh," I huffed, relief and embarrassment rushing through me in equal measure. I sat down on the side of the bathtub, my legs too tired to support me anymore, and I held my face in my hands. I always managed to make such a mess of things.

Edward didn't say anything for a while, and then I felt him sitting down beside me.

"How could you think she was my new girlfriend?" he asked me, sounding sad.

"I don't know," I answered into my hands, my voice coming out muffled. "I didn't know what to think."

"You obviously think badly of me, if you could assume I would do something like that to you. Show up at a place I knew you'd be, with some piece of fluff on my arm?" He now sounded almost insulted.

"Of course I don't think you could do something like that, Edward," I hastened to say. "It was just me… jumping to conclusions, thinking the worst…" I sighed.

We sat in silence for a while, and I was all too aware of his arm, which was almost touching off mine. He was so close. I had wanted him this close to me for weeks, wanted to talk to him and hear his voice and see him, and tell him everything I had ever thought about saying to him… and yet I just sat with him, in silence. The words I wanted to say… they didn't want to come out.

I wondered what he was thinking. I wished I could talk to him, and that it wasn't this hard.

Eventually, I couldn't take the silence anymore, and I looked up at him. He met my eyes straightaway, and my breath caught; he was so _close_. I could kiss him, if I wanted to. If he wanted me to. I hated how unsure I was towards him now. I couldn't stand feeling like that any longer, and I knew that's why we were cooped up together in a bathroom at Jessica Stanley's engagement party - we had to sort this out.

"Edward," I began.

"Bella," he said, at exactly the same time.

We both stopped, and smiled a little. His gorgeous green eyes were hooked on mine, and I had to drop my gaze onto my hands, which were twisting in my lap. I needed to think straight. Being too close to his face wasn't good for my concentration.

"You go first," he said softly.

"No, you," I protested.

"No, seriously, you," he insisted, and I gave up.

"OK," I said, clearing my throat. Here I go, baring my heart on my sleeve… "I never wanted to go on a break."

"Neither did I," Edward said immediately.

"But -" I began angrily.

"I don't know why I said it, but it just came out," Edward interrupted, agitated. "I was just so sick of fighting with you… and I felt like you weren't listening to me, or taking me seriously… I thought some breathing space would give us a chance to calm down. But then… you never called, and every time I picked up the phone to call you… I chickened out. I couldn't believe I had even mentioned going on a break, and I didn't know how to tell you I didn't mean it - I was so embarrassed - but then you never called me, so then I started to think you _wanted_ this whole break thing to happen…" Edward stopped for a breath; he'd been talking so fast I had had to work hard to catch it all.

"That's crazy," I said, hurrying to get a word in edgeways. "Why would I _want_ to go on a break?"

"Well, we were always fighting… I thought you were sick of me."

"I was sick of the _fights_, Edward… but I never for a second thought we weren't strong enough to work through them. When you mentioned going on a break… I thought you had given up."

Edward ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed loudly.

"We messed up, Bells," he said. "We just wasted the last two weeks apart for no real reason at all. Just stupid misunderstandings."

"I didn't think there was no real reason," I argued nervously, yet determined to talk about this. "I thought it was because of Jacob."

Edward stiffened. "Oh?" he said, and there was a certain coolness about his tone now.

"You didn't like my friendship with him -"

"It may have been friendship for you, Bella, but I'm sure it wasn't that way to him."

I was too shocked to say anything for a second.

"Oh my God," I spluttered, "this is like déjà vu! This fight cannot be happening again!"

Edward huffed, annoyed. "You're just not listening to me, there's a surprise -"

"No, Edward," I interrupted, furious, "_you_ are not listening to _me_. I am _sick_ of having this argument with you, because I feel _nothing_ towards Jacob, and it _does_ _not matter _how many moves he makes on me - nothing is going to come out of it! Now will you get that through your thick skull!"

Edward had shut up, and I actually thought I had finally gotten through to him.

"Hang on," he said, after a minute, "you said _how many moves he makes_. Has he made a move on you already?"

My heart stopped. I couldn't lie to him. I knew that if I lied to him about this, then I could kiss our relationship goodbye.

I took too long to answer, frozen with panic, and Edward's fingers took hold of my chin, gently but firmly, and forced me to look into his eyes.

"Look at me and tell me nothing ever happened," he said, and I was overwhelmed with the sudden memory of Jacob's face being too close to mine… I couldn't meet Edward's eyes. I heard the click of his teeth as his jaw set, his mouth a hard line.

"When?" he growled, gripped my chin a little harder then I'm sure he meant to.

"The other day," I whispered.

"What happened?" he demanded, his tone almost dangerous.

"He kissed me -"

"You kissed him, right," Edward snapped, letting go of my chin and turning away from me. My heart broke.

"I did _not_ kiss him," I said, my voice strong and insistent, despite the fear I could feel welling up inside me. "_He_ was the one who kissed _me_ -"

"How do I know that?"

He might as well have slapped me. "Excuse me? How the hell can you say that to me?"

"How the hell could you kiss Jacob?" he retorted, still refusing to look at me.

"I did _not_ kiss him!" I raised my voice, so that maybe it would sink in. "And anyway…" I thought wildly, searching for something, _anything_, that could justify this in some way. I said the first thing that came into my head. "We were on a break!"

Edward finally looked back at me derisively, one eyebrow arched.

"We're not in an episode of _Friends_, Bella."

"Yeah, but Ross had the right idea!" I said, almost hysterical. "I thought we were broken up! Technically, I could have kissed anybody I wanted to, because I thought this relationship was finished!"

_Please, don't let me lose Edward because of this. Please, please, please…_

"Did you want to kiss him?" Edward asked me, and he no longer sounded angry… he was just devastated. I was surprised he couldn't hear my heart cracking into more little pieces.

"Of course I didn't," I said vehemently. "I pulled away, I told him it was a mistake, and I can't even face him now… my relationship with you means more to me than anything, Edward. You have to believe that."

"I drove you to him," he mumbled, morosely, holding his head in his hands.

"You didn't drive me anywhere," I disagreed. "Just to the brink of insanity."

Edward chuckled despite himself.

"It's true," I continued, hope now rushing in full force. Maybe he could get past this. He hadn't run out on me yet. "All I did was lie in bed all day, watching romantic movies, stuffing myself with chocolate. I didn't leave my room, I didn't do _anything_. I drove Alice and everyone _crazy_. When they eventually got me to leave my room, all I did was drink. I was a mess without you, Edward," I said quietly, looking at my hands again. I sensed him looking up at me, but I didn't want to meet his eyes. I just listened to the sound of his voice.

"I stayed in bed all day, playing the Xbox until my eyes hurt. I got take-out when I felt hungry and every day I picked up my phone, dialled your number, and argued with myself over pressing the 'call' button. I never pressed it. I put it down, and told myself that tomorrow, I'd talk to you, tomorrow, I'd work it all out. Every day was the same. Emmett would try and get me out of bed and make me do things, but I didn't want to do anything. I just… didn't work without you, Bella," Edward sighed. "I still don't."

My mouth twisted a little… we were both so stupid. If one of us could have just called the other… everything would have been fine. There would have been no need for any of this hurt.

"You sent me that text?" I had been wanting to know why ever since I had received it.

"I just… wanted you to know I still cared. I thought you'd call me… but then you sent me the same text back, and it made me feel a little better, so I decided I'd call you… but I just couldn't press that button."

"It's OK," I said, and I meant it. I leant my head on his shoulder, hesitantly at first, but I just needed to be near him. Edward responded without even thinking about it; he leant his head against mine, wrapping his arm around my waist. I closed my eyes, never feeling more content and _better_ in my life. I wanted to stay like that, and have time stop, and never have to move or change.

"I'm sorry," Edward said, after a while. "For everything."

"I'm sorry, too," I replied.

Edward wrapped his other arm around me too, and my heart sped up a little.

"So, what happens now?" he asked, but I could hear that familiar, teasing note in his voice… the one that _my_ Edward used.

"I have no idea," I said, attempting to control my breathing, as I felt his lips touch my ear. "I missed that episode of _Friends_."

Edward laughed, and his breath on my skin sent shivers down my spine. "Well then, I reckon we should just make it up as we go along," he said, now trailing his lips along my neck.

I mumbled an incoherent reply, too busy concentrating on what Edward was doing… his grip on my waist was tightening, and his lips were creating a path along my jaw line, moving closer and closer to my own lips, leaving a trail of goose bumps and tingles behind them. I slid my hands up his chest and locked them around his neck, knotting my fingers in his hair and pulling myself as close to him as I possibly could… and then his lips were pressed against mine, and I couldn't think anymore; everything I breathed and felt and tasted and heard and wanted and needed was _Edward_, and nothing else was important, nothing else mattered… because as long as I had Edward, the heart that was beating so erratically and loudly inside my chest was whole and healthy and unbroken.

I kissed him back furiously, trying to make up for every lost second, minute, hour, day, that had been wasted and spent without him. He kissed me with same kind of fever and urgency, his hands gripping me tightly; I clung to him too, never wanting to let him go again.

I didn't want to pull away, and I could sense he didn't either, but the last thing I wanted was to get carried away in Jessica Stanley's bathroom in the middle of a party, so I reluctantly separated our lips, my breathing wild and out of control. He pressed his forehead against mine, gazing at me from under his eyelashes.

"Damn, I missed you," he said, making me laugh.

"I missed you too," I whispered. "Don't _ever_ tell me we need to go on a break again."

"Only if you agree to take me back, even though I've been a complete idiot," Edward grinned.

"Deal."

Eventually we were composed enough to leave the bathroom, sniggering and holding hands like two silly teenagers in love. We rejoined our friends, beaming, and they cheered as their eyes homed in on our intertwined hands.

"About time," Alice squealed, hugging me.

"Finally," Rosalie said, hugging me too.

Emmett turned to Jasper and held out his hand.

"Pay up, ye of little faith."

Jasper rolled his eyes and dug his hands in his pockets, grimacing. "I didn't have faith that they wouldn't work it out, I just expected it to drag out a little longer -"

"I don't want to hear your sob story, Jazz Man, I want my twenty bucks," Emmett interrupted.

"I personally think the two of them have dragged it out long enough," Rosalie commented, shaking her head.

I blushed and ducked my head, leaning into Edward's side. She was right. Life was way too short for procrastination, and I decided then and there to never leave anything until the last minute if I could do it sooner. Because what if it was too late? What if I had been unable to salvage mine and Edward's relationship?

I shuddered at the thought.

Being with Edward again made me feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I felt carefree, light-hearted, _happy_… and I could fully appreciate all those feelings, because I knew what it was like to be so depressed and wishing I could just feel _better_.

I felt better, now, definitely.

* * *

**Epilogue, coming up next. Expect a wait, coz i haven't even started it yet, but i'll get on it. also, i must start writing something new... ;)**


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